Building trust in relationships: the greatest learning from a born doubter to those who doubt too much

If you have a constant mental chatter questioning your key decisions or worse, prohibiting you from taking important steps, life quickly becomes a drainer.

Analytical doubt was my distinctive signature. What served me well career-wise became my biggest barrier in personal life. I championed the devil’s advocate game for any given issue, taking all and any position to solve the problems at hand (even when there was no problem). In management, they call this an “overused skill” which usually compensates a BIG shortcoming.

That one corner of my Self I was so neatly avoiding to visit was self-trust. By a constant game of pro and coning everything, I walked my way through most of the decisions in life until I hit the biggest roadblock: love.

I could have gone for years without noticing I fundamentally lacked trust in my own abilities to discern what suited me or not, and work my way through problems as they occurred. I entered many relationships on the wrong foot and left them in tears – what else?

Learning N1: Realize you have a self-trust issue

As a successful professional everything at work was giving me a positive successful image of myself, seducing and comforting the ego. My story was:

I’m not the problem. Out of terrible bad fortune and dramatic destiny, my path is crossing the wrong guys (add an emphatic tone and lots of negative self-talk to picture the scenes).

It was the story of my life, self-directed with self-chosen cast. So of course it was true!

Learning N2: Fake it till you make it

I decided to stop the carnage when I happened to be in the right relationship and still working hard to kill it with my usual artillery of doubt.

This is was the greatest decision I ever made: becoming the true pilot of my life, solidly anchored in my own self. But decades of championing doubt don’t vanish on a simple decision to trust yourself.

It’s actually pretty hard for a doubter to believe it can be so simple as just letting go of doubt. But it actually is. Simply pretend you trust yourself until you really do (and be patient – after four years, I am still working on it pretty regularly!).

Learning N3: Drop the unnecessary baggage

Nobody’s perfect. The lighter we go through life, the happier we can be. I have never met single people who had a clear check-list of the ideal partner and who actually found that person! The only essentials in a relationship are common key values and a wonderful intention to make it work (and a pinch of salt).

Add a general lightheartedness to go through life like a bird and doubt will become an old friend who quietly sits in the corner.